chosen: where one becomes two

you can't go into an orphanage and come back the same. truly you can't. the first time i went was only for a few days. we had no real time to spend with the kids as we were in and out,then in and out again, focused on our purpose. it had already been an emotional journey due to the circumstance of our visit, yet to not see each and every pair of eyes searching for my attention was impossible! despite their situations, their eyes showed no trace of saddness! how could i not be moved by what i saw. babies,toddlers,tweens oh my! eyes wide and smiles big!! some in waiting for paperwork to process, some waiting to be chosen.

that word
chosen,
makes tears flow.

chosen.

they have to be chosen!
i can't fathom it-
here is where i choke up.
here is where my tears can not be contained.

to be chosen.....

my little one chose me.
i did not seek her.
i have no words adequate or elegant enough to explain.

i
was
chosen.





i wonder if i could have enough tears to cry for every child that hasn't been chosen yet.
surely every night i spent there, i cried a thousand tears as
i was going to sleep with my little one
and she with her mommy.

i am not an orphan. she is not an orphan.

could you, would you,
do you know how it feels to be chosen?

waiting from birth to be
fed,loved and adored or
worse yet your parents
love you,
your dad dies while your mom
is pregnant
when she delivers she & baby are very ill
she barely walks into the village
trying to get her baby taken to the hospital
to be met by someone who sees the mother
herself is at deaths door
doctor says she won't live
amazingly she does!!
unfortunately she can't afford to feed herself
let alone her children
the new baby she loves is given up for adoption
the two older children come and go with her
for years being feed at the orphanage
sometimes your just dropped off
and left at the orphanage-
not just once
not just twice
enough times for you
to know it won't be the last
and such is the life of
johanne




this bright faced, sweet, hard working 12 yr old girl sees loving families
come in and out of the orphanage
chosing babies
the very babies and toddlers
that she looks after,
carrying water buckets,
washing their clothes by hand
feeding and changing them,
loving and playing with them!

on my first visit my friend had asked
her to look out for dieunika while we were gone.
with a big smile she agreed! she was important!!
the day before we were to go, in conversation
i joked to barbara my youngest son said he didn't want a younger
sister, he wanted an older one or one his age so he could play with her.
really he still wanted his "baby position". LOL
she casually mentioned well johanne is his age.
really, i thought her mother lived in the village with her.
hmm i hadn't thought seriously on it.
i would have to talk
to kerry and the boys.
so i did.
and i prayed,
and i thought could we possibly
get approved, get grants for two?
i thought one was going to be a challenge
BUT
i'm believing for the impossible!
its a very big commitment, but impossible
i don't think so!!!

the second visit to the orphanage
i brought a beautiful dress for johanne
and brought the others little gifts,shoes,clothes and formula.
the first day she and another girl her age asked to sleep
in the room with us. i said sure!
that night we each in a bed and
the lights out,
i hear
her praying.
tears begin slipping
down my face
and i cry out to
God.
my heart cries
for every prayer
she's every prayed
for every day
that she's gone without
for all the loss
and pain that her young
life has experienced
as i cried
and cried
not nearly enough tears
to cover her pain
i knew she has a future!!
so i ask God to give me the honor
to share her tomorrows.

she is chosen....
but she doesn't know it yet!!
i have to wait to tell her.
wait. yes wait. she has to go
on knowing she's not chosen.
we have begun the paperwork
and now have to
WAIT.

and so here our journey
as adoption parents
begin!