Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I have come to this GRAND canyon. A vast empty and deep space that is so much bigger than me. I'm standing at the edge, agreeing this is remarkably unfamiliar now, knowing that I must not settle for comfortable any longer, and still yet I hesitate. There are times when I long to go back to the comfortable, even though I know there is no true security in it. As I stand here before the canyon, observing the enormous expanse, my natural eye is overwhelmed. There is a hovering silence of the unknown. My breathing echoes in my ears. Sometimes it is louder than I can bear and it hurts my head. I've leapt over previous familiars though compared to this monster, they were obviously only cracks. There is NO way that I can leap over this one.

I wrote this almost 4 years ago. When I wrote it, I thought it directly related to the heart shattering realization and deception that occurred by a family that I trusted concerning the adoption we were in. The beginning of much brokenness in my family and my life was exposed at this traumatic point of my life, our lives. 

Now this is where I wish I could translate my spiritual state to the natural! I have approached moments recently where my natural being starts screaming, pounding and stomping !!ENOUGH!!, and I momentarily lose focus. My natural says don't fall into the expanse!! My spiritual says, you must go in the depths to get across. CONFLICT! The warfare ensues! I find myself tangled in the beauty of being the created.

                     "I must go into the depths to get across."

I have been in the depths since 2009 when I wrote that. This is the disentangling of my story coming out of the depths and emerging anew. It is a painfully beautiful story of redemption. It was only through the carving depths of betrayal that I encountered freedom, true freedom. 

       We are responsible for the stories we tell 

and for those we choose not tell. Our silences speak volumes about whom and what we value. - Rabbi Sandy Eiseenberg Sasso

Most often I choose silence in respect of differences. Quite often this gives the wrong impression. It can say, I agree with you, your opinion has more value or truth, I'm absorbing what you said, I am weak, well you get the idea. In the area of my life that this currently applies to, its none of the above. 

Timing is important. It is not weakness, it actually takes a DIVINE strength to keep my mouth shut!

lThe most incredible part is, 
when you are released from silence, 

it has this poetic revival of solace that dances 

amongst the rain. 

There is absolutely no force that can 


the inextinguishable rejoicing!!

this IS where I pause {to dance}

     because I'm RELEASED!!

In the meantime while I dance
catch yourself up on reading here

No comments: