Friday, May 11, 2007

Giving Hope

i've been sensing something in my spirit
for many months now
struggling with passions
or _lack of_ in other people

i HAVE a vision
and i want to cast it,
expand it & then fulfill it,
and then
again cast another
constantly serving others
rising higher and higher
to another level
there is no needs left to be met!
yes that will take generations
and generations
which makes me want to
SCREAM to the world

about changing my world
feeding hungry people
helping the hurting
repairing the broken
forgotten, and ignored
OH MAN my heart just aches.

once upon a time in my 20's
i foolishly asked God
to show me HIS heart
(well i should back up to say
by nature
i'm very private
with my emotions
and although i'm very sensative
and passionate
and expressive NOW
it still does not come natural
so once upon a time
i would not let anyone see me cry
and goodness never EVER wanting to be
the center of attention!!)
when i asked this of God
i was in a sanctuary of a large church
actually one my GREAT grandparents had built & founded
before i was born
yet i didn't really grow up there
as they retired many years ago
my mother didn't go to church
my granny did take me when i was little
but unfortunately stopped going herself
before my teens
anyhow so i had just begun coming again to it
i was sitting in the back of course
next to my great grandmother
who by the way never stopped going till her death
SO when i asked this....
i was brought to my knees literally
and i was filled with an OVERWHELMING wave
of emotions that i can't even
begin to describe
and i began SOBBING
and SOBBING which
multiplied into LOUD
i could NOT MOVE
my shoulders were SO HEAVY
my legs lost all feeling
i could NOT get up
(uh hello center of attention!!)
i wanted it to STOP!!!
not to mention my nose was running
and i had not tissue LOL
i don't know HOW long i had been there
the sanctuary was now empty
i remember
hearing my great grandmother
whisper to me
"it can't be that bad"
she had NO IDEA.
i never explained.
actually i've never told anyone

i don't think i truly knew
what to do
so i did nothing
there are so many people hurting
don't you know?
i know you do
maybe your just as passionate
or maybe
everyday you walk by them
and look away
i know
the need is so great
and we often justify the why
why we don't/can't help
we most often just walk by
self focused
in self denial
me!!! me!!! me!!!

i KNOW THAT because that WAS ME ME ME
i kept my head down WAY TOO LONG
no vision
no future
THEN something amazing happened
i took my eyes OFF myself
and what i lacked
lifted my eyes to the sky
to focus on what i DID have
so i began humbly
giving what i could
and from there my world
completely changed
from there
yes there
to here
i can't even begin
to describe the transformation
and it all begin because i felt it
in my spirit

to the next level

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