know ended in unfortunate heartbreak by someone we called a friend
(due to fraud, long painful story) the adoption process is not an easy journey!
I don't want to ruin the happiness of Melanies' current adoption (So the TELLING of my story is for another day)
Mels' family is working hard to fund raise
and I'd like to help them
(and its healing for me to make these dolls for the purpose of adoption)
To begin where I left off... YES!! this is a love story. I have to go back however, to what I call "altars of remembrance". I have to go back because it took the depths {of brokenness} to perform my deliverance. I had a heart transplant.
It was a necessary surgery for me
to truly understand
what and who Love Is.
I AM.
Love Is, I AM.
This may be hard to understand at this point, but please stay with me. I'm painting a picture here and the outline must be in place before I can add the details. WHAT? WHY? I've gotten this question plenty. To explain what came out of the depths and I have to go back into the depths. Come follow my pen, let me show you brushstroke by brushstroke. Its a masterpiece that one must watch oneself.
Unless your willing to sit with me and feel it,
it's really quite unbelievable!
Why must I tell? Why must you read? Because I too once thought that this would never happen to me. I was blind, but now I see. Do not be deceived by smoke and mirrors. It affects you too. At some point you will recognize the realities. It's in your family. It has affected those you love deeply. You may not know. You may know. It is not a respecter of persons.
I wrote the highlighted excerpt below in the midst of betrayal. Even then I knew there was a purpose.
Let's sit in "that" moment for a bit.
As time slowed to less than seconds
I had in full view a mirror image of my heart transparent.
I was living in anesthesia prior to that moment.
Suddenly I watched in unbelief my heart erupting flesh blood.
Awakening I felt the sharp edge of that scalpel at the very moment of incision.
It was a divorce of my former self.
I knew. It was time.
I could not escape the scalpel. The incision was made. Either way was death. To ignore it didn't make it go away, I was dying anyhow. The excruciating pain awoke every nerve. My heart was pumping blood everywhere a midst my opened chest. My hands immediately tried to cover the opening and apply pressure. Shock rang through me. There was no way out on my own. I could not avoid help. Death was pounding at my door. I was covered in blood. I was desperate.
I feel lead to share my struggles simply because I know I am not alone.
I know there are many others who are or have been where I am.
Ache and loss is great.
However they are not greater than the Divine.
I want you see that I've gathered all my broken pieces, instead of sweeping them under and away,
I'm going to lay them out.
Why?
Because when I brought them to my Rescuer
and laid them down at his feet,
He motioned for me
to pick them up.
One by one.
The first piece was jagged and sharp,
it left cuts on my hands as I put it in His.
What I saw as He closed His palm
and what was revealed at the release of His grip,
made my eyes WIDE with delight
at the revelation.
When he released it to me,
and entered it into my being,
I gasped and staggered
at the strength that filled my core.
His powerfully Majestic
voice e c h o e d throughout me.
"Do not replace a promise for a lie"
Friday, May 10, 2013
What occupy's your mind determines what eventually fills your mouth, your outer world showcases all that has dominated, and at times subjugated your inner world. -Dr. Cindy Trimm WORDS ARE POWERFUL. What begins in your mind most often becomes you. Over the past year I have endure great hardship and loss. So many times my thoughts were filled with questions. Many went unanswered. There were moments I did not have the strength to get out of bed, yet I had to!! I did not give up, despite times of weariness! I kept fighting back with my words, with Divine Words. The Creatorspoke into the unformed void darkness the existence of LIGHT! Do you get that, it was unformed, a VOID darkness! It began with a void! {With darkness!} Do you have a void in your life right now? I know I have been facing this VOID for over a year now. I have been speaking to it! I questioned "hey VOID are YOU LISTENING? ~I'm COMING OUT ALIVE! YES I'm speaking to you DARKNESS- to all the lies I've been told, to all the lies told about me, to all the doubts, to all the doubters! The silence that I've been captured in is NO MORE! I have authority with the TRUTH. Not a version of the truth, but the fullness of TRUTH
Again this was written not quite 4 years ago, It is such an important journal of my mindset. When I began gathering all my journal pieces from this time period, I was amazed at the clarity I had. As I reread these bits and pieces I can see Divine hand-prints on everything I wrote or drew. The very thought of this causes my heart to pause in gratitude of a God who sees. You see this is really a love story. This is {our} love story. I was in the midst of a vicious attack from someone I trusted most. My mind was somewhat confused. The biggest question "What had I done to cause such vial efforts?" Wait, go back how can this be a love story?
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I have come to this GRAND canyon. A vast empty and deep space that is so much bigger than me. I'm standing at the edge, agreeing this is remarkably unfamiliar now, knowing that I must not settle for comfortable any longer, and still yet I hesitate. There are times when I long to go back to the comfortable, even though I know there is no true security in it. As I stand here before the canyon, observing the enormous expanse, my natural eye is overwhelmed. There is a hovering silence of the unknown. My breathing echoes in my ears. Sometimes it is louder than I can bear and it hurts my head. I've leapt over previous familiars though compared to this monster, they were obviously only cracks. There is NO way that I can leap over this one. I wrote this almost 4 years ago. When I wrote it, I thought it directly related to the heart shattering realization and deception that occurred by a family that I trusted concerning the adoption we were in. The beginning of much brokenness in my family and my life was exposed at this traumatic point of my life, our lives. Now this is where I wish I could translate my spiritual state to the natural! I have approached moments recently where my natural being starts screaming, pounding and stomping !!ENOUGH!!, and I momentarily lose focus. My natural says don't fall into the expanse!! My spiritual says, you must go in the depths to get across. CONFLICT! The warfare ensues! I find myself tangled in the beauty of being the created.
"I must go into the depths to get across." I have been in the depths since 2009 when I wrote that. This is the disentangling of my story coming out of the depths and emerging anew. It is a painfully beautiful story of redemption. It was only through the carving depths of betrayal that I encountered freedom, true freedom.
We are responsible for the stories we tell
and for those we choose not tell. Our silences speak volumes about whom and what we value. - Rabbi Sandy Eiseenberg Sasso
Most often I choose silence in respect of differences. Quite often this gives the wrong impression. It can say, I agree with you, your opinion has more value or truth, I'm absorbing what you said, I am weak, well you get the idea. In the area of my life that this currently applies to, its none of the above.
Timing is important. It is not weakness, it actually takes a DIVINE strength to keep my mouth shut!
Yes today is a beautiful day to celebrate!! {even in the midst of our brokenness} I'm celebrating~if you only knew the details of what Yah has done!! {even in the midst of our brokenness} This day began with the slow unfolding of my story. {even in the midst of our brokenness} A beautiful journey of the revelation of what True Love is will be brought more into the light over these next days, weeks and year on my blog.